Each December there is a neighborhood holiday party. I live on a street with a few families, couples, and older single women (the spinsters). Mikey is 39-years-old and still lives at home with his parents. I see him a few times a year. He’s a skinny guy with a Boston accent, who comes and goes occasionally during neighborhood events.
On the night of the holiday party there was beer, wine, moonshine, and boozy punch. As the night progressed, some of my neighbors told me to take Mikey home. This apparently stemmed from a rumor that we made out. The truth was, we went outside together to make sure his 80-year-old mother got home safely. I assure you, our lips did not touch.
A few days later he asked me to go out for his birthday. Since it was a school night, I pushed it until the weekend. Mikey picked me up and decided to drive the long way to the bar which was 3 minutes away. I noticed that he was wearing the same outfit I saw him in last week; sweatpants and a Nantucket sweatshirt.
Mikey talked nonstop on the ride over. He talked about another women he knew with my first name, about what the other guys at the bar would think when we walked into the bar together, and about his cousin who recently passed away. He was clearly struggling with that last one, but was jumping from one topic to the next before I could even say anything.
When we walked into the bar, Mikey ordered a beer and I ordered a much needed vodka soda. Immediately after the drinks came he said he was going to “take a leak.” Can guys please learn to code shift? I’m a single female, not your buddy. Everything went down hill after that.
Mikey sat me at the bar with 2 women he knew, then left to pick up his friend. In the meantime I made friends with some guys in Santa suits who were on a holiday bar crawl. Tis the season!
When Mikey and his friend returned, they asked me if I wanted to sit with them to watch the UFC fight on his phone. I declined to stay with the Santas. Then all of a sudden, the bar became a UFC fight; a guy was kicked out, the cops came, and they asked us all to leave.
We got back in Mikey’s car with his friends. I sat in the backseat with his buddy’s wife. She gave me a Dr McGillicuddy’s nip. What is going on in my life today?
After dropping everyone off, he pulled up to my house and asked if I wanted to go inside and watch a movie. No, I do not want to “watch a movie” with you in my house. Go next door to your childhood bedroom.
Here I go, back on the apps, before I become a neighborhood spinster.
Single at 30 